JERRY SHAWHAN: MDA’S MOST WANTED CITIZEN
This is Jerry Shawhan’s “Most Wanted Citizen” fundraising site for the Muscular Dystrophy Association. Jerry Shawhan has been accused of “Having a Big Heart.”
EXCUSE ME A MINUTE
I’m the writer. I need a quick break. Be right back.
I’M BACK
Jerry is “Going Behind Bars for Good.”
DEJA VUE
I’m not saying he’s been there before but …
- Jerry Shawhan, 1907, Pre-Cincom Days,
FRESH START
But this time, all the bail money raised goes to the MDA and Jerry’s Kids.
CAN YOU SPARE A JERRY SOME $$$$?
All proceeds to the MDA.
Filed Under: Featured
Tags: Featured
About the Author
Steve Kayser is an award-winning business writer who has been featured in a marketing best practices case study by MarketingSherpa, "Purple Cows," by Seth Godin; "The New Rules of Marketing and PR" by David Meerman Scott (2007); "Tuned In: Uncover the Extraordinary Opportunities That Lead to Business Breakthroughs," by Craig Stull, Phil Myers, and David Meerman Scott; "Making News in the Digital Age," by Emmy-award winning former CBS journalist David Henderson (2009), "A Marketer's Guide to e-Newsletter Publishing, Credibility Branding, Innovation Quarterly, B2B Marketing Trends, PRWEEK, Faces of E-Content magazine and "The Changing Faces of PR" (2009) by David Henderson. Steve's writings have appeared in Corporate Finance Magazine, CEO Refresher, Entrepreneur Magazine, Business 2.0, and Fast Company Magazine, among others.
I always knew they would catch up with you sooner or later. But its nice to know you have a big heart.
As shocking as it may seem, I am not surprised. It is the kind looking people who are usually wolves dressed in sheep’s clothing. I once saw a shadowy figure down of First Floor … mind you it was dark cause well you know the lights don’t come on for the early arrivers … but despite the darkness I am almost positive that it was Jerry’s shadow hovering over the pile of Girl Scout cookies. When I finally got over there, the shadow was gone and so were the cookies. But no money was left behind. Now who would steal a cookie from a Girl Scout’s mouth? Now if Jerry is willing to confess to all his crimes against humanity, and promise to lead a righteous life from here on in, I can be a forgiving man. So Jerry, a short email to me at dwolf@compassgroupinc.com with a full confession and transformation, I will put up some cash to spring you out of jail. But there must be evidence — hard evidence — that you will pitch that old hardened heart away and let the sunshine enter. And if someone else back there at Cincom will match my $25 donation to MDA, I will pitch in another $25. Who else believes Jerry can turn from his life of shadowy, heartless living and become the man we all thought he was? Let’s give Jerry one more chance by supporting MDA.
Jerry doesn’t have a big heart. He makes promises but never delivers. He has promised me lunch but to this date has never delivered. He’s cheapJ He’s old. He can’t remember what he says from one minute to the next and he uses it as an excuse when necessary.
Jerry is not heartless—just tight–tighter than 2 coats of paint.
Is it true that he can never get his wallet out, because his genes are too tight?
He once inquired if bullshit could be converted to fuel.
He is so tight that he only breathes in.
He kept waking up at night to see if he had lost any sleep.
But man can Jerry sing…How do you tell when Jerry the lead singer is at the door?
A: He can’t find the key and doesn’t know when to come in.
Why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage?
A: Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.
Steve: Wow, what a nice silver medal! How did you win it?
Jerry: By singing!
Steve: And how did you win the gold medal?
Jerry: By stopping!
Jerry: I won second prize in a singing contest once!
Steve: Really? How many people were in the contest?
Jerry: Two!
Steve: Uh huh. What did the winner sing?
Jerry: Nothing! They just heard me sing, and they awarded him first prize!
Dear Anonymous Writer Steve:
You can quote me on the below if you leave my name off.- Ron Weeks
If you have ever negotiated revenue and expense targets with (or against) Jerry, then you know for certain that he most certainly does not have a big heart! ”
And here is the true version:
“If you have ever negotiated revenue and expense targets with (or against) Jerry, then you know for certain that he most certainly has a very sharp mind, rock-solid ethic/fairness, and a big (but not soft) heart! ”
You may quote me on both versions,
Ron
A big heart! Are you kidding? He hasn’t bought me lunch in months! No wait, I think it’s been never!
Uhh … Jerry. Who said you could get Steve to build you a nice new website? Wasn’t he suppsoed to be working on mine? Did you allocate the cost back to your department?
Tom … Remember me? I’m the CEO!
“Mr. Shawhan can’t have a big heart; he went out of his way to make and oblige me to learn Calculus”.
Dear Anonymous Writer Soon to be Fired:
(Please make this an anonymous quote – he controls the budget process)
I would like to cite an example of Jerry Shawhan’s mean spirited approach to beat someone in a game of golf. Several Cincomers participated in a golf trip a few years ago to Myrtle Beach. I thought I was fortunate to be able to be staying in the same condo with other Cincomers including Jerry Shawhan. Little did I know how mean spirited Jerry could be. I was helping him arrange the hide-a-bed and had my hand in the couch mechanism to pull out the mattress and he decided to give a big pull to free it with my fingers in the joint of the mechanism. He nearly amputated my fingers. The only reason I can see that he would do that is to make sure he could beat me in the golf events. Truly WRONG of him to try and win that way.
I know there are rumors of a big heart, and this is the basis of your request to provide evidence that this supposition is false, and that Jerry has a small heart. But to do so would require us to believe that he has a heart to begin with.
You said it yourself below, Jerry is part of the budget committee. He is also part of the Senior Management Team. These alone provide proof that he does not have a big heart – but again we cannot say that.
Simply put, Jerry has NO heart!
I will make sure to make this statement ( and prove it) on the web-site.
I flew into Cincy and got into the Staybridge hotel late one night and looked across the parking lot at Jag’s where there was a gathering of what appeared to be pet owners. I saw Jerry Shawhan singing Irish beer songs into a karaoke mike to a group dogs and cats, all sitting obediently with their masters. I asked someone what was going on, and they said the pets were tone deaf and trying to learn how to howl by listening to Jerry’s singing.
Dear Alice: …. Be nice
Tom — I told him to ask you first, but he had just fired my Grandmother and reduced me to a ZERO DAY work-week. So …. I never really followed-up. But you know me. I’ll be a man about it. If there’s anyone to blame … it’d be Jerry
Are you the same Gloria Daniel I met once in the women’s restroom?
NO WORRIES JERRY MILLER- MANAGING DIRECTOR OF CINCOM MANUFACTURING BUSINESS SOLUTIONS — I’D NEVER TELL HIM. YOU’RE TOTALLY ANONYMOUS. BUT I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO REMOVE YOUR PICTURE FROM THE GRAVATAR LISTING. HE MIGHT RECOGNIZE YOU?
Hi Dale,
I confess to all my crimes against humanity (certain folks excluded), and promise to lead a righteous life from here on in (most of the time).
I trust that all of the readers of your comments (all three of them) will have noted your mention of “early arrivers” before the lights come on. Funny, but I can’t recall seeing you around in those early hours; anyway, the cookies were stale!
On the serious side, many, many thanks for your donation to MDA. They use the dough very usefully to provide some enjoyment and fun to those children so affected, and to their parents and caregivers.
God bless you,
Jerry Shawhan
Mark,
Catch up with me they did, but don’t you believe for one moment that I have a big heart; where budgets and money are concerned, consider this bypass and stent filled old heart to be very niggardly.
Seriously, many, many thanks for your consideration.
All the bet,
Jerry Shawhan
Don’t worry Jerry Miller, Managing Director of Cincom Manufacturing Business Solutions — I’m sure no one will ever tell me.
This begs the question … why were you in the women’s restroom Steve?
Lies. All Lie I say!